i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize