Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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