He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
