I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize