Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
