I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
