I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
