Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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