You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize