Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
