I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
