Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Did I show you my penis last night?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
