I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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