I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
