dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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