In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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