Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
