I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
