It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
