So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
