Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
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