I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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