dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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