a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
