i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
