GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
