He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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