yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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