Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
