atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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