brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
