I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize