you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
