don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I love you. Go after that dick
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
