i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
