You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
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