his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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