can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
