I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
