hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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