Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
