Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
