Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
