Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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