Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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