How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
