Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
