How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
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