Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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