I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
