i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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