she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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