for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
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