He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
