In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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