Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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