Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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