My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
