So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
