I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
