I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
