Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
