Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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