My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
