I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
