When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize